Sunday, February 7, 2010

Part of the Process....

I had a good time with this painting, done on the next to last page in my Canson Biggie sketch pad.

I bought the little pot of tulips at the supermarket a few days ago.  I’d planned on buying flowers to cheer me up, to remind me to keep hopeful.  I was looking for sunflowers when I spotted the table with the early spring flowering bulbs in little pots and changed my mind on the sunflowers.  I bought a pot of tulips where there was more bud than flower and got this one.  I’d intended placing whatever flowers I bought on the coffee table next to my chair in the living room where I’ve been ‘camped’ all winter.  I’ve been feeling low, blue....  A touch of Cabin Fever, a lack of Vitamin D – SADD....  In a place, anyhow, where I needed to make a plan and get out of my rut.

I felt much better after I tidied up the coffee table.  I couldn’t believe the amount of clutter that accumulated in recent weeks.  I hadn’t really seen the pile growing and how bulky and un-sightly until sometime Friday afternoon.  So I allocated 15-30 minutes from my funk that were devoted to making my living space look less unsightly.  While I was organizing the coffee table,  remembered how much I used to love setting up a still life on it and do a painting, which is what I vowed to do again, even if it was just something to look at.

I had a good time with this painting even though I wasn’t having such a good time outside it.  It started off well.  I enjoyed the initial drawing; the composition had a rythym to it that was audible; as if listening to the sound of my pen moving over  a page of writing.  Everything seemed to fall into place.  I made my next decision which was to outline the drawing with a liner brush using that little container of GGBlack I made a few months ago.   I really enjoyed that, too.  The sound of the brushstrokes were as much fun as the drawing.  I used to do a lot of pen and ink drawings.  One of the thrills, laying down an ink outline over pencil on a new drawing, seeing the drawing with new eyes after the outlining is complete....  I enjoyed the feel of the nib of the pen as I outlined, making the strokes broad or narrow by changing the pressure of my fingers on the pen.  I enjoyed using the liner much the same way.

And I enjoyed the Change in my Funk.  Which is a good thing,  that hour of pleasure, because no sooner had I photographed the painting after I finished with the outlining, the phone rang, which changed the nature of my funk once again.

It wasn’t a pleasant phone call, I wasn’t happy to hear from the caller, the call was upsetting.  I answered the call because I’d been avoiding talking to (confronting)  this person but had also vowed – while de-cluttering the coffee table – that next time they called I’d deal with it rather than put myself through the pain of putting it off.  I was prepared to say No,  (thankyou).  I thought this person was calling me to push some kind of product they’re selling, instead it turned into a call for help which I wasn’t prepared or willing to give.   I don’t know this person well but what I do know is that I don’t want to know this person well-enough to get into my car at 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday with high winds and the temp @18 degrees and drive 25 or so miles to their house, then drive them around the neighborhood to find a person who owes them $50 then drive them to Waterbury so they can put a payment on their phone bill so they don’t lose their phone number.  My heart bleeds for this person in predicament, that they need this kind of help.  I feel sad that this person has to lay out a guilt trip with every conversation and glad I didn’t take it personally, glad I didn't allow myself to be sucked into their drama.   I’m glad for myself that I’m able to say No, even if it sometimes hurts.

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